The Love Series: STAY IN YOUR TITLE!!!
Titles! Titles! TITLES!
Ohhhh how we NEED titles! Especially in this day, and age! I am not sure where it all began with us not requiring definitive roles, and being okay with it! I have been there before, involved, but with NO CLEAR LABEL. This is also known as a “situationship” (Read “Dating Potential: Stop Playing Yourself.”), and I will not be back soon! EVER! Titles are truly essential if you want to keep boundaries clear, and achieve your goal of being where you want to be!
(This table was created by Rashell Selah for the purpose of this blog post. If used, please display source. Thank you.)
“No one can take advantage of you, unless you allow them to.” Lesson learned.
Respect the Friend Zone
(Read “Let’s Be Friends!” under Testimonials tab in Singlehood.)
Respect this space, and time! I do not know when it became wrong to be platonic, and just intellectually stimulating. You know when a man, and a woman could have a clean, yet intriguing interaction without the physical distractions?
The original defintion of a friend?
No added benefits? No perks? Just a sober mutual connection?
Granted GOD has created visual masterpieces pleasing to the eyes, but what if I told you the real treasure lied beneath? When you allow yourself to get to know someone beyond the physical, you are actually positioning yourself to make a more truthful, and clearer decision.
You will be able to receive proper answers to inquiries such as:
"Do I like her thought processes?"
"Is he really into GOD like he claims to be on IG?"
"Hmmm, what are her hobbies, outside of work? Are they Christian centered? Kingdom work?"
"Is he idolizing money in order to become a provider, or is GOD truly where ALL his help comes from?"
These are the type of questions that your mind are more likely to be wondering about.
Instead of questions such as:
"I wonder if she shops at Vicky Secs?"
"Hmmm... looking at his shoe size, I think we can work...but what if we can't?"
HOLD YOUR HORSES!!!
Are you looking for a husband/wife, or a lustful midnight treat? YOU BOTH ARE FRIENDS. You need to be figuring out if the both of you are even suitable for one another. How? Through the guidance of your spiritual parents (Pastors, and First Lady), discernment of the spirits, and prayer!
Even in the friendship phase, you should be praying through! Is that not what 1 Thessalonians 5:7 stands for? One way of accomplishing this is looking at them as if they are already married. As a godly man, or woman, you respect these covenant unions. Therefore you do nothing that will raise any suspicions, and be disrespectful, regarding their spouses. If we want to get technical, before you are “officially” married to your physical spouse, you are spiritually married to GOD! SELAH!!! You are His; He is yours! Would you want to insult GOD? I would hope not!
(IG: @RASHELLSELAH)
When you are serious about your heart, and spouse, you want to MAKE SURE you are covering all grounds when pursing possibilities! Take no hostages! Ask ALL questions (credit score, virgin or celibate, past criminal history, so forth!) If red flags are jumping at you in this title, then communicate, and do what is deemed suitable! This is what this stage is for. Sifting through the hay stack for needles! If you claim to be "patient," then why rush this phase? Through your relationship with GOD, He will direct you when to stay, and when to move on to courtship!
Time For Courtship
(Read "Courtship Goals!" Under the Singlehood tab.)
Courtship says “we can see each other together, for the long run.” In this time, the focus is to come together, closer to GOD, but doing so in harmony. Have [clean, holy] fun! Enoy each other's company! Courtship should not be taken lightly, being that it is the stage prior to engagement. You are essentially on the road to being engaged. In this time you all should be thorough, and specific in the questions that you may have for one another, and intentional in the actions that are displayed towards one another. As Pastor Dawkins would say, what is the philosophy of the relationship?
“What do you see, and need in a wife? A husband?”
“How do you see your children being brought up?”
“Where do you see yourself residing for the long run?”
In addition, surround yourself around married couples, and again seek advice from your spiritual parents (Pastor, and First Lady). This is not the time for you to play wife, or husband. Still understand the commitment here is limited. You are not out of the clear. Courtship should lead to an official engagement. Yes, you may meet the family, but no, you are not the daughter, and/or sister-in-law, and no he is not a part of your family as of yet.
There is still work to be done!
Enjoy Engagement
Engagement says, “I am confident that we can be together, for the long run.” However, you are still not out of the clear! Yes, there is a ring, but it is not THEE RING! Engagement is still contingent. Meaning, “Depending on A, then B will happen.” Depending if we do get married, then I will act as an official wife, or husband for you. Until then—no perks here! Do not place yourself in a “Wifey” position where advantages are being given, but no commitment has been solidified! SELAHHHH! “No I am not bringing lunch to your job every day. No I am not living with you first. No I am not doing your laundry every week. No I am not cleaning up after you. No I am not joining your cell phone line, acting as a ‘family plan.’” Now be careful here. I am not saying that you cannot express wifely characteristics here, and there, what I am saying is, do not make him become so comfortable in this stage, that he forgets that he still has to put in effort to keep you! BE CAREFUL! When that “chase” start dying down, so does his hunger for you! To just be a fiancé/fiancée, should not be your end goal. 1 Corinthians 7:37 (KJV): "But if he has decided firmly not to marry and there is no urgency and he can control his passion, he does well not to marry."
We can switch this up for the fellas as well! Do not place yourself in a “Hubby” position where she can take advantage of you! “No I am not paying all your bills. No I am not always going to fill up your gas tank. No I am not taking you on lavish trips, and buying you designer. No, I am not your meal ticket.” Now, I am not saying that you cannot express “Husbae” characteristics (we, women, all love a man that is sensitive to our needs, and nurtures as a father would). Let her remember that she not only looking for a bank, but a mate. A leader. A husband. A man of GOD. A man of GOD that understands that in order to receive all of the above, he must first properly committ himself to his woman.
What am I saying is both parties need to recognize their value, and position in life. No one is better than the other. Work on both ends need to be done. Do understand, from a Biblical standpoint, GOD has given CLEAR definitions, and descriptions of what a man, and a woman should be, and act as. There are reasons behind it! Trust in GOD to write, and guide your love story. This is the ONLY GUARANTEE that it will LAST!
Marital GOALS!
Marriage says “As GOD as my witness, I know we will be together until death..”
Before the church was established, the institution of family was created (Book of Genesis). This yielded how the basis of The Church, and how it should be regarded. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;” (Ephesians 5:25, KJV). “And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband” (Revelation 21:2).
Marriage is commitment. The Bible says “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31--read this whole chapter). Marriage is becoming one. The ring of GOD, you, and your spouse has now been solidified. GOD recognizes you as a couple, and approves the union. Marriage says: “As your husband I’ll provide, and die for you (Ephesians 5:24).” Marriage says, “As your wife, I’ll trust your leadership, and support you all the way, always (Ephesians 5:22).” Marriage should not be rushed. Marriage is sacred. This is where you act as a husband, and wife. This is when your treasure box can finally be opened, and shared; letting it ALL OUT, and GOD NOT having ONE problem with it! (GOALS!)This is when you know that he/she will be there for you! Giving the treasure out before this stage, jeopardizes, and confuses things (See table above). Marriage can be seen as the evolution of the relationship. I am not saying that your spouse will not leave you here (that is between GOD, you, and your spouse), I am expressing that in this phase you have a RECOGNIZED role with GOD where the exchanging of treasure is natural, and permitted.
Bringing It All In!
Just SIYT! STAY. IN. YOUR. TITLE! Do not be in one phase, but bleeding through the next one! Keep those boundaries clear, and clean. Stay in each role, and then properly move onto the next.
Each phase: friendship, courtship, and engagement, build upon each other providing necessary bolts, and screws for the ultimate level: marriage. As a true believer of Christ, this should be your end goal with your the man, or woman in your life (Genesis 9:7,1:28). Without the proper foundation, and inspection of each phase, it is likely that it will not last. The foundation will crumble due to poor construction.
Again, fellas, and ladies, take your time in settling down. Honestly what is the rush in investing?
As for me, Singlehood has shown me to value time, and patience. Not being in a relationship gives me the opportunity to work on myself, and get closer to GOD in the process. I do look forward to all the above described phases, but I understand that it will happen in due time.
I trust GOD to come through.
I do.
Selah!
(Picture courtsey of https://www.etprofessional.com/uploadedImages/Redbox/Pavilion_Content/Our_Content/elt/eltknowledge_Blogs/Chia_Suan_Chong/rsz_role_of_teacher_1.jpg?n=3318)
